You can’t get to where you want to be, staying the person you were.

My Ideal Client Is currently…

Professionally

A senior (or aspiring/ambitious) professional woman who’s lived her whole life struggling against the devastating impact of her body focused repetitive behavior. This is something she doesn’t understand, can’t control and feels deeply ashamed of. She sees it’s impact and is both desperate to find a solution and has become hopeless of the same.

In her professional life she’s a talented hard worker and already operates at a high level in a stressful environment. She knows that she has the talent, capability and desire to go further but is uncomfortably aware that she has not had the courage or confidence to risk going fully after her goals because of the impact her BFRB has had on her self-belief. She might have been offered workplace support and the opportunity to develop (eg. in-house executive coaching) but has not been able to make full use of this for fear of being discovered. Her BFRB is so central to her life that she feels unable to do meaningful professional development work without having to bring it into the conversation.

She’s very intelligent and aware enough to know that her BFRB is damaging her ability to progress in both career and personal life. She feels excluded and on the outside of things, watching from a self-imposed distance as others progress in their careers and relationships while she feels unable to participate fully in life because of her BFRB. For her, no audacious ambitions boldly acted upon to progress in her career, no carefree swimming, sleeveless summer dresses or wind in her hair. She’s just always anxious, always vigilant, hiding and always smaller than she knows she could be. She is painfully aware that she pays a heavy price but this is the default behavior that keeps her safe.

In the unforgiving and stressful context of her professional life, she is terrified of the scrutiny of others. She works harder than anyone else she knows and has made good progress in her field, but she notices that she is uncomfortable taking any actions that would draw attention to herself and instead plays small to not stand out and become a target for other’s curiosity and risk ultimate, inevitable, discovery. She dreads her BFRB coming to light and being discussed and the expected, inevitable loss of face and both professional and social exclusion she’s certain that would bring.

Within her professional context, she’s culturally aware enough to understand the different standards and expectations facing women and knows it contributes to the fear and anxiety she feels and also drives her extreme efforts to disguise herself and to appear in line with expectations

She’s exhausted by having to be constantly vigilant and always on guard not to lapse into the behaviour in important professional or social settings. She takes extreme measures to camouflage the damage resulting from her BFRB and will not go out without full makeup/long sleeves/perfect hair etc. At work, instead of allowing herself clear-headed preparation time for a dreaded presentation, she finds herself in the ladies either tearing at herself, or repairing the damage with heavy makeup and then feeling guilty for not only engaging in the behavior, but also in her consequential absentminded performance.

Even on good days, she feels like she manages to stay just one step ahead of professional and social humiliation, constantly expecting her secret to be discovered.

Her profound shame and lack of self-belief makes any constructive criticism feel like judgement and that feels acutely uncomfortable and dangerous. She knows it will ultimately hamper her progress in her career..

Personally

She feels profoundly isolated and deeply alone because she feels unable to share her condition with others. How could she? There are no words. Just as at work, she fears the damage that discovery or disclosure would cause with those that she is in intimate or personal relationships with.

Her intimate relationships, if she has any, are stressful and full of anxiety. She might even tend to end them prematurely, not risking being ‘found out’. She’s noticed herself beginning to believe that close intimate relationships, a family even, are not possible for her and she feels herself becoming progressively more and more emotionally blunted, even numb. Those that know her well have even commented that she has lately become more abrasive and self-protecting, withdrawing more, almost as though she’s actively pushing people away. She knows that she’s just so afraid of the hurt and disappointment another failed relationship would bring, not to mention the cascade of harsh self-talk.

She lives with such a huge amount of additional stress and frequent bouts of intense self-loathing and harsh self-criticism because, after all, this is something she is doing to herself. She relies on it getting her through stressful times, sometimes even liking it, and this revolts her.

What She’s Done So Far

Although she has both the means as well as a strong desire to resolve this, when she has sought help, she has found no glimpse of a solution or even a way forward. Shes tried the gadgets and the fiddle toys and been on all the forums and groups but finds them equally hopeless and depressing. She’s bravely taken it to her GP but has been met with a total lack of understanding and has often been misdiagnosed and inappropriately medicated. Therapy has been no better and any suggestion of ‘just stopping’ the behavior fills her with deep rage and terror because this is something she has relied on, both historically and in the present moment, to give her peace, it’s her drug of choice and she feels so profoundly unable to ‘just stop doing it’. It has a function in her life and nobody seems to get that. When the therapist starts to go there, that’s when she grabs her bag and storms out of the office in floods of disappointed and shame-filled tears.

So now she feels hopelessly beyond help, that it’s too late to ever change, that this will be her lot forever. She fervently wishes it could be different but, although she’s searched for help, she still has no idea if the change she so dearly wishes to make, to be free of this behavior, is even possible.

Profoundly saddened and watching helplessly as her life passes her by, she feels broken and hopeless and like it’s all her fault. She feels like it’s just her and the behavior that’s been the curse of her life and she thinks, ‘This will never change no matter what I do.’

What she realises

She’s at a choice point, where a profound discomfort meets a compelling pull towards something different. She’s been here before but not quite like this. Now there’s a glimmer of the possible and she finds herself dreaming again.

What she wants with all her heart

She wants a miracle.

She wants to come home to the version of herself that she knows is in there somewhere.

She wants the freedom to find love, to stay and to let it grow, knowing that she has nothing to hide.

She wants the confidence to know that she can excel in her career and the sassiness to take the bold steps she knows she’s capable of.

She wants to feel free enough and safe enough to play, to rest, and to finally forgive herself.

what she’ll do

She wants to do the work. No matter what, if there’s even the slightest chance of success, she’ll do the work, even if it scares her.

She wants to try again. She’s managed to scrape together just enough optimism that maybe, just maybe, this time it will work.

She wants to rewire her brain and stop needing to go to this as the only safe place she feels she has. She knows it keeps her emotionally safe but she wants to find other ways of doing that.

She wants to be free of feeling so scared of what life would be like without this, this comfort, this old friend, this place where she can go and just feel so in the moment, away from everything that’s so difficult.

Rubbish Draft

I work with those individuals who find themselves at a significant transition point in their lives, where a profound sense of discontent and frustration with their current circumstances meets a compelling and strong pull towards exploring something new and far more fulfilling that aligns better with their aspirations and desires.

This could manifest as an exciting new business venture that opens doors to fresh opportunities, a different challenge or project that inspires personal growth, or perhaps even an entirely new and transformative phase of life that encourages exploration and self-discovery.

Many of these individuals are grappling with the unsettling feeling that they may have left it too late to embark on such a significant and transformative journey in their lives.

They often find themselves deeply consumed by a multitude of worries and concerns that they lack the essential skills, qualities, or capabilities that are absolutely crucial for achieving success in this challenge.

As a result, they may feel overwhelmed by self-doubt, anxiety, and the stress that arises from not feeling like they possess the necessary tools and abilities to confidently tackle this.

They hate the overwhelming stress they feel when contemplating the various sacrifices and big changes they might need to make in order to succeed and wonder whether it will all be worthwhile.

They have started this process many times over the years, but then soon find themselves feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and plagued by self-doubt. This emotional turmoil often causes them to pause and ultimately shelve their project, as they struggle to envision a clear path forward.

They often feel profoundly alone and unsupported, facing many challenges without any clear place to turn for help or reliable advice. They come to recognise that they are trapped in deeply entrenched patterns of behavior that have persisted over many years, which consistently lead to a cycle of self-sabotage that they unsuccessfully struggle to escape.

Even though they have re-started this new project many times but have not managed to get very far in their efforts, they continue to hold onto that enduring dream of success and personal fulfillment that this endeavor represents for them.

They come to recognise that they are trapped in deeply entrenched patterns of behavior that have persisted over many years, which consistently lead to a cycle of self-sabotage that they unsuccessfully struggle to escape.

In their darkest moments they are beginning to lose sight of their ultimate goal and increasingly worry that they might lose any hope of making a successful transition to a better phase in their lives.

They feel a pressing need for a clearer and more defined vision of how they might successfully navigate the complex path to effectively reaching their goals and they long to understand and develop the skills that will allow them to better harness the qualities that they already possess in service of this important journey.

Their persistence truly reflects their deep yet vulnerable commitment to seeing it through to the very end, regardless of the numerous obstacles and challenges they may encounter along the way.

I help clients locate the capabilities and skills they feel disconnected from, allowing them to reconnect to their positive vision of their future and fostering deeper and more pragmatic understanding of themselves, as well as a real sense of hope and possibility. We work to identify and thoughtfully re-purpose these valuable skills and capabilities that they already possess and use them in service of this new endeavour.

Our work helps them to develop their ability to clearly see the path that lies ahead of them and identify the necessary steps that they need to be taking with greater confidence in their decision making.

I help them to understand and overcome the overwhelming feelings of anxiety, persistent stress, and debilitating self-doubt that have been significantly sabotaging their overall progress and personal growth.

Where traditional therapy may have failed them in the past, leaving them feeling particularly vulnerable, isolated, and unseen in their struggles and experiences, our work will provide a different approach. Here we work to bring together what might feel like many discordant and fragmented parts of themselves into a focused, motivated, clearheaded, and fully resourced whole. This integrated sense of self will be better equipped to concentrate, navigate challenges, and complete all of the necessary steps needed for achieving a positive outcome in this aspect of their lives.